I like to chat online. Everyone in the chat rooms has e-BFs and e-GFs. I've recently been flirting with this boy. First of all, is it safe to have an e-BF? I mean, I know all the basic rules, like never give out your real name, address, phone number or picture. Second, should I tell him I like him?
First of all, pre-teen from the year 1995, get off the internet, your mom needs to use the telephone. Second, I don’t know where these ‘rules’ of yours come from. Didn’t you know that 1 out of every 5 relationships is now started online (according to some Match.com commercial I saw)? So, really, what I’m saying is you need to give out any and all of that information, or else it’s just not a legitimate relationship. All relationships are built on trust. You need to trust that he’s not a pedophile or a kidnapper, because you’d want him to trust that you’re not a fatty or a whore, right? Lawyered.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
PoA #4: Your Children's Self-Worth
My son just went to a birthday party with his fifteen of his classmates from last year’s first grade class. It was an amazing production with two clowns, a magician, pony rides, and a dog act. I kid you not. They even had a lifeguard by the pool.
We had exchanged birthday invitations with this boy and a few other classmates. We had planned a small party and sleepover out in our tent in the yard. I am feeling inadequate right now. What can we do?
OK, here’s what you do if you want to keep your son’s love. They had two clowns? Hire three. They had a dog act? Have two dog acts. (Honestly, I'm not sure what a dog act is, but preferably your dogs would talk.) They had a lifeguard? Hire Pam Anderson. Are you getting the picture? Honestly, children are very shallow, especially at that age. All your son will remember is how his party measured up to his friend’s party. And right now, it’s sounding woefully inadequate. A tent? In the yard? Do you even love your son at all? His entire sense of self-worth is hinging on this party, so you’d best get out that credit card now. You can think of what good parents you are when you’re paying for that party ten years down the line.
We had exchanged birthday invitations with this boy and a few other classmates. We had planned a small party and sleepover out in our tent in the yard. I am feeling inadequate right now. What can we do?
OK, here’s what you do if you want to keep your son’s love. They had two clowns? Hire three. They had a dog act? Have two dog acts. (Honestly, I'm not sure what a dog act is, but preferably your dogs would talk.) They had a lifeguard? Hire Pam Anderson. Are you getting the picture? Honestly, children are very shallow, especially at that age. All your son will remember is how his party measured up to his friend’s party. And right now, it’s sounding woefully inadequate. A tent? In the yard? Do you even love your son at all? His entire sense of self-worth is hinging on this party, so you’d best get out that credit card now. You can think of what good parents you are when you’re paying for that party ten years down the line.
Friday, August 27, 2010
PoA #3: Food Does Not Equal Love
“My first boyfriend moved away while we were dating. We never broke up, but he stopped emailing me. I sent him a letter and I got a letter back saying that we weren’t together anymore. I’m really sad and I can’t stop overeating and crying. How can I feel better?” – Sydney, 11
Other Sydney, put the donuts down. Yes, this situation sucks, but no boy is worth gorging yourself over. However, all boys are worth starving yourself for. It’s never too early to develop an eating disorder, so I’m going to give it to you straight. If you keep eating like a slob, you’ll wind up fat and alone playing World of Warcraft and hoping through the magic of Myspace angles to trick some poor nerd into e-dating you, until one fateful day when you meet him in person and he excuses himself to the bathroom, where he promptly dumps you via text message and flies back to Indiana, or possibly somewhere else, because you might be from Indiana for all I know. Listen, the point is, if you react to this breakup positively – by shriveling away to a beautiful skeleton – you will prove that you ‘won’ and you will never be dumped again. Because no one dumps a beautiful person. I guarantee it. PS, crying makes you ugly and gives you wrinkles. Stop it.
Other Sydney, put the donuts down. Yes, this situation sucks, but no boy is worth gorging yourself over. However, all boys are worth starving yourself for. It’s never too early to develop an eating disorder, so I’m going to give it to you straight. If you keep eating like a slob, you’ll wind up fat and alone playing World of Warcraft and hoping through the magic of Myspace angles to trick some poor nerd into e-dating you, until one fateful day when you meet him in person and he excuses himself to the bathroom, where he promptly dumps you via text message and flies back to Indiana, or possibly somewhere else, because you might be from Indiana for all I know. Listen, the point is, if you react to this breakup positively – by shriveling away to a beautiful skeleton – you will prove that you ‘won’ and you will never be dumped again. Because no one dumps a beautiful person. I guarantee it. PS, crying makes you ugly and gives you wrinkles. Stop it.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
PoA #2: Future Cat Lady
“Okay, I’ve liked this boy for two years and I still can’t work up the nerve to ask him out! My friends all make fun of me because I’m the only girl who doesn’t have a boyfriend but I am just not sure I’m ready to make that jump. How can I build up the courage to make a move?” – Sydney, 12
Sydney, see my advice to Alejandra, below. Your friends are sharp. They’re only looking out for you. You’re 12, and within the next couple of years you may find that the only available boys in your town are losers. Man up, already. Let the all-consuming fear of loneliness be your motivator. If you don’t ask him out now, your bff probably will. And then you might as well start buying up your town’s supply of Fancy Feast, because you’re destined to be a cat lady.
Sydney, see my advice to Alejandra, below. Your friends are sharp. They’re only looking out for you. You’re 12, and within the next couple of years you may find that the only available boys in your town are losers. Man up, already. Let the all-consuming fear of loneliness be your motivator. If you don’t ask him out now, your bff probably will. And then you might as well start buying up your town’s supply of Fancy Feast, because you’re destined to be a cat lady.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Piece of Advice #1: Under Pressure
“Whenever my boyfriend and I are alone at his house, he always starts trying to kiss me and take off my clothes. I always stop him, but then he gets all mad and says that if I don’t do it with him then he’ll break up with me. I really don’t want to lose him, but I’m not ready to go there yet. But the only other single guys my age in my town are losers! Should I give in or just be alone for the rest of my life?” – Alejandra, 14
Alejandra, I think you’ve already answered your own question. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re reading this while the enchanting sound of your boyfriend’s post-coital snoring fills the air. Don’t worry, everyone feels that sense of regret after sex. It’ll never go away, no matter how many boys you go through trying to ease the pain of feeling dirty and used. That’s just all a part of growing up.
Now, my advice to you: pat yourself on the back, girlfriend. Normally I wouldn’t advise a girl to give into sexual pressure, but you bring up two very key points that all girls your age would be smart to observe. Number one, the other single boys in your town are all losers. God, I know what that’s like. I mean I guess there might be a couple of OK ones who have girlfriends, but let’s face it, at your age they’ve all pretty much settled down. And ugh, the rest of them are like, totally lame! I bet they’re all shorter than you, too. And painfully awkward. They will never get past that, and you will clearly never leave your town, so I think it’s safe to say that you’ve exhausted all your options and you’ll be with your boyfriend forever. He sounds like he’s a real keeper, and not at all a loser. And good thing, too, since you’re really getting up there in years. (That's your second excellent point.) You’re right, if you had let this one slip away, you’d be alone for the rest of your life. Hear that, ladies? Better snatch them up by 14 (13, to be really safe), lock it down, and if they want sex for the love of God give it to them. Bonus tip: If he says it would really feel better without a condom, just go with it. He’s right, plus he’ll dump you if you don’t.
Alejandra, I think you’ve already answered your own question. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re reading this while the enchanting sound of your boyfriend’s post-coital snoring fills the air. Don’t worry, everyone feels that sense of regret after sex. It’ll never go away, no matter how many boys you go through trying to ease the pain of feeling dirty and used. That’s just all a part of growing up.
Now, my advice to you: pat yourself on the back, girlfriend. Normally I wouldn’t advise a girl to give into sexual pressure, but you bring up two very key points that all girls your age would be smart to observe. Number one, the other single boys in your town are all losers. God, I know what that’s like. I mean I guess there might be a couple of OK ones who have girlfriends, but let’s face it, at your age they’ve all pretty much settled down. And ugh, the rest of them are like, totally lame! I bet they’re all shorter than you, too. And painfully awkward. They will never get past that, and you will clearly never leave your town, so I think it’s safe to say that you’ve exhausted all your options and you’ll be with your boyfriend forever. He sounds like he’s a real keeper, and not at all a loser. And good thing, too, since you’re really getting up there in years. (That's your second excellent point.) You’re right, if you had let this one slip away, you’d be alone for the rest of your life. Hear that, ladies? Better snatch them up by 14 (13, to be really safe), lock it down, and if they want sex for the love of God give it to them. Bonus tip: If he says it would really feel better without a condom, just go with it. He’s right, plus he’ll dump you if you don’t.
Real Advice
Welcome to the real world. It's harsh. It's brutal.
Some advice columnists will sugarcoat it for you. If you just do the 'right thing,' everything will turn out OK. But take it from someone who spent a long period of her life doing the right thing - it's not like that. It's best to be prepared for the way the world actually functions, which often has nothing to do with your intent or your actions. And now, it's time to bring some reality into the world of advice columnists. I'll be taking questions from wherever I can find them and answering them with my own advice. It may not be helpful, but at least it's not a lie.
I should also mention that most of the time I'm blogging, I'll be drunk. And that none of this advice should actually be taken by anyone in the real world. THERE'S MY DISCLAIMER, LAWMAN.
Some advice columnists will sugarcoat it for you. If you just do the 'right thing,' everything will turn out OK. But take it from someone who spent a long period of her life doing the right thing - it's not like that. It's best to be prepared for the way the world actually functions, which often has nothing to do with your intent or your actions. And now, it's time to bring some reality into the world of advice columnists. I'll be taking questions from wherever I can find them and answering them with my own advice. It may not be helpful, but at least it's not a lie.
I should also mention that most of the time I'm blogging, I'll be drunk. And that none of this advice should actually be taken by anyone in the real world. THERE'S MY DISCLAIMER, LAWMAN.
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