“My first boyfriend moved away while we were dating. We never broke up, but he stopped emailing me. I sent him a letter and I got a letter back saying that we weren’t together anymore. I’m really sad and I can’t stop overeating and crying. How can I feel better?” – Sydney, 11
Other Sydney, put the donuts down. Yes, this situation sucks, but no boy is worth gorging yourself over. However, all boys are worth starving yourself for. It’s never too early to develop an eating disorder, so I’m going to give it to you straight. If you keep eating like a slob, you’ll wind up fat and alone playing World of Warcraft and hoping through the magic of Myspace angles to trick some poor nerd into e-dating you, until one fateful day when you meet him in person and he excuses himself to the bathroom, where he promptly dumps you via text message and flies back to Indiana, or possibly somewhere else, because you might be from Indiana for all I know. Listen, the point is, if you react to this breakup positively – by shriveling away to a beautiful skeleton – you will prove that you ‘won’ and you will never be dumped again. Because no one dumps a beautiful person. I guarantee it. PS, crying makes you ugly and gives you wrinkles. Stop it.
LOL, oh how I wish you would get hired at a school as a counselor!
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