PoA #13: Freedom's Just Another Word...

My life is very difficult. First of all my parents dont never give me no freedom, they never let me go anywhere with out them and I'm 15. I had alot of freedom when I was younger. I dont have no friends because of them. Im homeschooled too. So Im to the point when I just want to walk out the house and never come back. What should I do?


This is an extremely tricky situation. My first instinct was to tell you that your parents are just being smart, since your inability to put together a coherent sentence proves you're probably retarded and shouldn't be allowed out without supervision. Seriously, you're 15?

However, you're homeschooled. That means really, from the bottom up, this is your parents' fault. You have their genes, and they've been in control of your education. So they're probably worse than you are. Do you happen to live in a trailer?

Honestly, follow your gut. Walk out of the house and never come back. You'll have all kinds of freedoms you'd never imagined... the freedom to do tons of meth... the freedom to sell your body for your next hit... it'll be like you're really an adult. And your complete disregard for the English language won't matter one bit! Your parents will be so proud.

PoA #12: If You Like It Don't Put a Ring on It

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about four years now. We’re both in our mid-30s. I’ve been a widow since 2002. He’s divorced with two boys (six and eight) who we see every other weekend, holidays, etc. We’ve been living together for the last two years and everything is great. We’ve got a dog, the kids seem to love hanging out with us and we’re working on having a kid of our own to round it all out. We’ve been talking about getting hitched recently ... . He’s an engineer by trade and I just don’t think he’s wired to getting me a ring and surprising me. (My late husband was a computer geek, so I’m used to the mindset.) So I’m thinking about proposing to him instead. I’m just stumped as to what to get him ... a ring? I’ve heard of women popping the question to their guys, but I never heard what they exchanged as a token of their affection. You and your readers seem to be very good with advice/suggestions. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
— Loving an E.E.

Why don't you get him a pretty little skirt? I mean, sure he's a dork, but do you have to totally emasculate this guy? Lady, you need to learn what being a woman is really all about, and that's certainly not taking control of a relationship and clearly expressing what you want. It's all about being coy, waiting patiently for the man to make all of the decisions, and dreaming of that perfect diamond that DeBeers tells you you need to feel loved. It's a formula that's served us well for thousands of years - why go put a ring on a guy's finger now and mess it all up?

PoA #11: No-boobs McGee

There's this girl in my class that keeps making fun of me cuz I don't wear a bra and she does! PLZ HELP ME A.S.A.P!!!!! And another problem is, I like this guy and he likes me but all of his friends keep asking me if were going out. I want them to stop bothering me!!!


I don't know how old you are, but I'm guessing what, 11 or 12? Girls mature at different rates but if you want this girl to stop bothering you, just get a boob job. You could go old school and stuff your bra with socks or something, but I've seen enough sitcoms to know that would inevitably end in embarrassment (and a valuable lesson in self-acceptance! lame). So just beg your parents for some boobs. The bigger the better. Then you can turn the tables and make fun of that girl's training bra.

I like your segue into your second question. We've all got tons of problems, just keep throwing them out there. However, this problem makes no sense, so I'm going to let you know that guy probably doesn't really like you. His friends are making fun of you because they know you like him. See my solution to problem #1. You'll be golden.

PoA #10: Single White Female

i need friend advice! i met this girl 4 months ago and she is actually like my best friend and i want her to feel the same way about
me.. i get really jealous when i here about what her and her best friends do and i wish i could be included.. and i wish she would stop ditching me at work.. shes a really good person and i would never hurt her but i don’t want to feel this way anymore and sometimes i don’t even want to be her friend but i still love her and she always tells me that she loves me and that i mean a lot to her but im so confused!! what should i do! please help me!!

Your new friend has probably caught on to your creepy lesbian crush on her, and decided to distance herself from you. Also, if she's ditching you, you're probably really annoying. So, I don't know, keep following her around and start copying her wardrobe and everything she does, then maybe she'll see how much you have in common and return your obsessive feelings. If that doesn't work, kill her dog or something. Gosh, I need to bone up on my stalking strategies...

PoA #9: BFF!

my friend and i, are in a fight with another friend. she started big mean rumors about us and thinks thats okay. she still wants to be friends. I dont want to at all, because she told everyone that i am a fat loser, and im not okay with that. Its got to the point where she is begging me to be her friend. I DONT LIKE HER AT ALL. I dont want to be mean but I dont want to be her friend. should i be her friend and forgive her or should i let her go?

From,
unsure of letting go

Well first of all I think you need to learn the definition of the word 'rumor' - especially big mean rumor. Her telling people that you're a fat loser isn't so much a rumor... it's either true or it's false. I'm leaning toward true, since you're clearly kind of a loser, and if you weren't fat that 'rumor' would never circulate very far. I'm guessing you only have two friends, at least one of whom is not at all your friend, but if you break off that friendship then you're twice the loser you currently are. Sigh, decisions. Keep the bitch around, but start spreading rumors about her. You'll be best frenemies forever. I don't know how old you are, but regardless, telling people that she's a whore is a classic and will probably mess her up for life. You can thank me later.

And lay off the twinkies.

PoA #8: Nice Guys Finish Last

ok, im so confused….. i have liked this guy for like all of my middle school life. but this year i really got to know him. i found out he is a real jerk. but whenever i drift away he somehow reels me back in. i also kinda like his friend who is funny nice smart and way cute. but i barely know him. and then there is this other guy who doesnt go to my school he is a year older than me that i like. ive liked him like since the fifth grade and in the past i know he has liked me. i dont know who to pick the three year jerk, the perfect stranger or the blast from the past older guy.

Honestly, I’m not really sure what the hell you’re talking about, but all of your middle school life is a long time to like a guy and I wouldn’t throw that away. Let me introduce you to a little dating rule I like to call the douche/nice guy rule. It goes like this: Date the douche, because nice guys are boring. The perfect stranger still has douche potential, because you barely know him and all guys seem nice at first, but he is an unknown quantity. The blast from the past I’m going to assume is boring as hell, because otherwise why wouldn’t you have gotten on that when you liked him and you knew he liked you? Yes? Three year jerk it is.

PoA #7: Casper

My friend wears the same clothes over and over. How can I nicely tell her to change her clothes?

Your friend is a ghost. She is trapped in the same outfit for eternity. Try to have some sensitivity, here.