PoA #13: Freedom's Just Another Word...

My life is very difficult. First of all my parents dont never give me no freedom, they never let me go anywhere with out them and I'm 15. I had alot of freedom when I was younger. I dont have no friends because of them. Im homeschooled too. So Im to the point when I just want to walk out the house and never come back. What should I do?


This is an extremely tricky situation. My first instinct was to tell you that your parents are just being smart, since your inability to put together a coherent sentence proves you're probably retarded and shouldn't be allowed out without supervision. Seriously, you're 15?

However, you're homeschooled. That means really, from the bottom up, this is your parents' fault. You have their genes, and they've been in control of your education. So they're probably worse than you are. Do you happen to live in a trailer?

Honestly, follow your gut. Walk out of the house and never come back. You'll have all kinds of freedoms you'd never imagined... the freedom to do tons of meth... the freedom to sell your body for your next hit... it'll be like you're really an adult. And your complete disregard for the English language won't matter one bit! Your parents will be so proud.

PoA #12: If You Like It Don't Put a Ring on It

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about four years now. We’re both in our mid-30s. I’ve been a widow since 2002. He’s divorced with two boys (six and eight) who we see every other weekend, holidays, etc. We’ve been living together for the last two years and everything is great. We’ve got a dog, the kids seem to love hanging out with us and we’re working on having a kid of our own to round it all out. We’ve been talking about getting hitched recently ... . He’s an engineer by trade and I just don’t think he’s wired to getting me a ring and surprising me. (My late husband was a computer geek, so I’m used to the mindset.) So I’m thinking about proposing to him instead. I’m just stumped as to what to get him ... a ring? I’ve heard of women popping the question to their guys, but I never heard what they exchanged as a token of their affection. You and your readers seem to be very good with advice/suggestions. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
— Loving an E.E.

Why don't you get him a pretty little skirt? I mean, sure he's a dork, but do you have to totally emasculate this guy? Lady, you need to learn what being a woman is really all about, and that's certainly not taking control of a relationship and clearly expressing what you want. It's all about being coy, waiting patiently for the man to make all of the decisions, and dreaming of that perfect diamond that DeBeers tells you you need to feel loved. It's a formula that's served us well for thousands of years - why go put a ring on a guy's finger now and mess it all up?

PoA #11: No-boobs McGee

There's this girl in my class that keeps making fun of me cuz I don't wear a bra and she does! PLZ HELP ME A.S.A.P!!!!! And another problem is, I like this guy and he likes me but all of his friends keep asking me if were going out. I want them to stop bothering me!!!


I don't know how old you are, but I'm guessing what, 11 or 12? Girls mature at different rates but if you want this girl to stop bothering you, just get a boob job. You could go old school and stuff your bra with socks or something, but I've seen enough sitcoms to know that would inevitably end in embarrassment (and a valuable lesson in self-acceptance! lame). So just beg your parents for some boobs. The bigger the better. Then you can turn the tables and make fun of that girl's training bra.

I like your segue into your second question. We've all got tons of problems, just keep throwing them out there. However, this problem makes no sense, so I'm going to let you know that guy probably doesn't really like you. His friends are making fun of you because they know you like him. See my solution to problem #1. You'll be golden.

PoA #10: Single White Female

i need friend advice! i met this girl 4 months ago and she is actually like my best friend and i want her to feel the same way about
me.. i get really jealous when i here about what her and her best friends do and i wish i could be included.. and i wish she would stop ditching me at work.. shes a really good person and i would never hurt her but i don’t want to feel this way anymore and sometimes i don’t even want to be her friend but i still love her and she always tells me that she loves me and that i mean a lot to her but im so confused!! what should i do! please help me!!

Your new friend has probably caught on to your creepy lesbian crush on her, and decided to distance herself from you. Also, if she's ditching you, you're probably really annoying. So, I don't know, keep following her around and start copying her wardrobe and everything she does, then maybe she'll see how much you have in common and return your obsessive feelings. If that doesn't work, kill her dog or something. Gosh, I need to bone up on my stalking strategies...

PoA #9: BFF!

my friend and i, are in a fight with another friend. she started big mean rumors about us and thinks thats okay. she still wants to be friends. I dont want to at all, because she told everyone that i am a fat loser, and im not okay with that. Its got to the point where she is begging me to be her friend. I DONT LIKE HER AT ALL. I dont want to be mean but I dont want to be her friend. should i be her friend and forgive her or should i let her go?

From,
unsure of letting go

Well first of all I think you need to learn the definition of the word 'rumor' - especially big mean rumor. Her telling people that you're a fat loser isn't so much a rumor... it's either true or it's false. I'm leaning toward true, since you're clearly kind of a loser, and if you weren't fat that 'rumor' would never circulate very far. I'm guessing you only have two friends, at least one of whom is not at all your friend, but if you break off that friendship then you're twice the loser you currently are. Sigh, decisions. Keep the bitch around, but start spreading rumors about her. You'll be best frenemies forever. I don't know how old you are, but regardless, telling people that she's a whore is a classic and will probably mess her up for life. You can thank me later.

And lay off the twinkies.

PoA #8: Nice Guys Finish Last

ok, im so confused….. i have liked this guy for like all of my middle school life. but this year i really got to know him. i found out he is a real jerk. but whenever i drift away he somehow reels me back in. i also kinda like his friend who is funny nice smart and way cute. but i barely know him. and then there is this other guy who doesnt go to my school he is a year older than me that i like. ive liked him like since the fifth grade and in the past i know he has liked me. i dont know who to pick the three year jerk, the perfect stranger or the blast from the past older guy.

Honestly, I’m not really sure what the hell you’re talking about, but all of your middle school life is a long time to like a guy and I wouldn’t throw that away. Let me introduce you to a little dating rule I like to call the douche/nice guy rule. It goes like this: Date the douche, because nice guys are boring. The perfect stranger still has douche potential, because you barely know him and all guys seem nice at first, but he is an unknown quantity. The blast from the past I’m going to assume is boring as hell, because otherwise why wouldn’t you have gotten on that when you liked him and you knew he liked you? Yes? Three year jerk it is.

PoA #7: Casper

My friend wears the same clothes over and over. How can I nicely tell her to change her clothes?

Your friend is a ghost. She is trapped in the same outfit for eternity. Try to have some sensitivity, here.

PoA #6: The Kids Are Alright

My granddaughter is seven years old and she is hyper. Her parents (my son and his wife) let her do everything. She goes to concerts, nightclubs, and Vegas with them. She stays up until all hours and always looks overtired. She watches television and says words that would embarrass a truck driver. I feel bad for her. I don’t know what to do.

Your granddaughter sounds like the coolest kid ever. She can hang better than some of my friends. Leave it alone, she’s just getting a taste of the real world. Kids these days tend to be so coddled. Though I am a little confused as to how she’s getting into these nightclubs. Are you sure you’re not just senile, and your granddaughter isn’t really like, 27? I know my grandma got confused toward the end there.

PoA #5: Modern...ish Romance

I like to chat online. Everyone in the chat rooms has e-BFs and e-GFs. I've recently been flirting with this boy. First of all, is it safe to have an e-BF? I mean, I know all the basic rules, like never give out your real name, address, phone number or picture. Second, should I tell him I like him?

First of all, pre-teen from the year 1995, get off the internet, your mom needs to use the telephone. Second, I don’t know where these ‘rules’ of yours come from. Didn’t you know that 1 out of every 5 relationships is now started online (according to some Match.com commercial I saw)? So, really, what I’m saying is you need to give out any and all of that information, or else it’s just not a legitimate relationship. All relationships are built on trust. You need to trust that he’s not a pedophile or a kidnapper, because you’d want him to trust that you’re not a fatty or a whore, right? Lawyered.

PoA #4: Your Children's Self-Worth

My son just went to a birthday party with his fifteen of his classmates from last year’s first grade class. It was an amazing production with two clowns, a magician, pony rides, and a dog act. I kid you not. They even had a lifeguard by the pool.
We had exchanged birthday invitations with this boy and a few other classmates. We had planned a small party and sleepover out in our tent in the yard. I am feeling inadequate right now. What can we do?

OK, here’s what you do if you want to keep your son’s love. They had two clowns? Hire three. They had a dog act? Have two dog acts. (Honestly, I'm not sure what a dog act is, but preferably your dogs would talk.) They had a lifeguard? Hire Pam Anderson. Are you getting the picture? Honestly, children are very shallow, especially at that age. All your son will remember is how his party measured up to his friend’s party. And right now, it’s sounding woefully inadequate. A tent? In the yard? Do you even love your son at all? His entire sense of self-worth is hinging on this party, so you’d best get out that credit card now. You can think of what good parents you are when you’re paying for that party ten years down the line.

PoA #3: Food Does Not Equal Love

“My first boyfriend moved away while we were dating. We never broke up, but he stopped emailing me. I sent him a letter and I got a letter back saying that we weren’t together anymore. I’m really sad and I can’t stop overeating and crying. How can I feel better?” – Sydney, 11

Other Sydney, put the donuts down. Yes, this situation sucks, but no boy is worth gorging yourself over. However, all boys are worth starving yourself for. It’s never too early to develop an eating disorder, so I’m going to give it to you straight. If you keep eating like a slob, you’ll wind up fat and alone playing World of Warcraft and hoping through the magic of Myspace angles to trick some poor nerd into e-dating you, until one fateful day when you meet him in person and he excuses himself to the bathroom, where he promptly dumps you via text message and flies back to Indiana, or possibly somewhere else, because you might be from Indiana for all I know. Listen, the point is, if you react to this breakup positively – by shriveling away to a beautiful skeleton – you will prove that you ‘won’ and you will never be dumped again. Because no one dumps a beautiful person. I guarantee it. PS, crying makes you ugly and gives you wrinkles. Stop it.

PoA #2: Future Cat Lady

“Okay, I’ve liked this boy for two years and I still can’t work up the nerve to ask him out! My friends all make fun of me because I’m the only girl who doesn’t have a boyfriend but I am just not sure I’m ready to make that jump. How can I build up the courage to make a move?” – Sydney, 12

Sydney, see my advice to Alejandra, below. Your friends are sharp. They’re only looking out for you. You’re 12, and within the next couple of years you may find that the only available boys in your town are losers. Man up, already. Let the all-consuming fear of loneliness be your motivator. If you don’t ask him out now, your bff probably will. And then you might as well start buying up your town’s supply of Fancy Feast, because you’re destined to be a cat lady.

Piece of Advice #1: Under Pressure

“Whenever my boyfriend and I are alone at his house, he always starts trying to kiss me and take off my clothes. I always stop him, but then he gets all mad and says that if I don’t do it with him then he’ll break up with me. I really don’t want to lose him, but I’m not ready to go there yet. But the only other single guys my age in my town are losers! Should I give in or just be alone for the rest of my life?” – Alejandra, 14

Alejandra, I think you’ve already answered your own question. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re reading this while the enchanting sound of your boyfriend’s post-coital snoring fills the air. Don’t worry, everyone feels that sense of regret after sex. It’ll never go away, no matter how many boys you go through trying to ease the pain of feeling dirty and used. That’s just all a part of growing up.

Now, my advice to you: pat yourself on the back, girlfriend. Normally I wouldn’t advise a girl to give into sexual pressure, but you bring up two very key points that all girls your age would be smart to observe. Number one, the other single boys in your town are all losers. God, I know what that’s like. I mean I guess there might be a couple of OK ones who have girlfriends, but let’s face it, at your age they’ve all pretty much settled down. And ugh, the rest of them are like, totally lame! I bet they’re all shorter than you, too. And painfully awkward. They will never get past that, and you will clearly never leave your town, so I think it’s safe to say that you’ve exhausted all your options and you’ll be with your boyfriend forever. He sounds like he’s a real keeper, and not at all a loser. And good thing, too, since you’re really getting up there in years. (That's your second excellent point.) You’re right, if you had let this one slip away, you’d be alone for the rest of your life. Hear that, ladies? Better snatch them up by 14 (13, to be really safe), lock it down, and if they want sex for the love of God give it to them. Bonus tip: If he says it would really feel better without a condom, just go with it. He’s right, plus he’ll dump you if you don’t.

Real Advice

Welcome to the real world. It's harsh. It's brutal.

Some advice columnists will sugarcoat it for you. If you just do the 'right thing,' everything will turn out OK. But take it from someone who spent a long period of her life doing the right thing - it's not like that. It's best to be prepared for the way the world actually functions, which often has nothing to do with your intent or your actions. And now, it's time to bring some reality into the world of advice columnists. I'll be taking questions from wherever I can find them and answering them with my own advice. It may not be helpful, but at least it's not a lie.

I should also mention that most of the time I'm blogging, I'll be drunk. And that none of this advice should actually be taken by anyone in the real world. THERE'S MY DISCLAIMER, LAWMAN.